Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

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Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.


Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}


Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.


INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.


Spent the entire day milking a single almond.


gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me


I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.