Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
You Might Also Like
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.