Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
You had me at “define legal”.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds