Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
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a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
They got a point!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Monday Lisa
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.