The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
“Good luck with your little skits!”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.