@OrdinaryAlso

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

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@robdelaney

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

@KalvinMacleod

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

@AndrewChamings

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

@thenatewolf

“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.

@CulturedRuffian

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

@HatfieldAnne

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.