Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
That earthquake could have been an email.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.