ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

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ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*


The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.


scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*


HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.


Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.


My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”


shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice


I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.


Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.