ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
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Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
what is cheese if not milk persevering
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”