@chuuew

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

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@Home_Halfway

ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*

@HousewifeOfHell

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

@ClichedOut

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

@jenlapcomedy

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

@BunAndLeggings

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

@IamEnidColeslaw

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

@TheBoydP

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

@weinerdog4life

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.