Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
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Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”