@aka_fatman

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

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@Izianikapani

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

@KeetPotato

[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]

@ShootyDoody

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

@FuckabillyRex

I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

@rachxthompson

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

@stevevsninjas

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

@ghostkrogh

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

@CherBear162

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”