Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
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Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I have a type: disappointing
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Netflix and you sit over there.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.