Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

Are you a cat person or a person person?

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv