Me: hi đŸ™‚

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

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My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.


Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch


FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys


I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.


Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.


WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies


The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers


One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.


ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.