@SortaBad

Me: hi đŸ™‚

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

You Might Also Like

@TheCatWhisprer

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

@decentbirthday

Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch

@seamussaid

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

@Muath_tu

I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.

@RodLacroix

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

@kyle_thatisall

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

@SondraDeeMe

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.