Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
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The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker