@TweetsByKaylee

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

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@Dishasatra

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

@WritingWilkie

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

@Holy_Mowgli

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

@not_delicate

*Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl.

*hands bowl to child, eats the rest

@Marlebean

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

@GingerHotDish

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

@hog_mild

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

@drayzze

Is it ok to clothesline people on scooters going down busy sidewalk yet?