me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I am crying
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain