Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
When you’re here for the treats.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My first child will be named New Folder.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
The biggest mystery of our time
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.