@grumpy_pizza

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

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@CrisMtzgr

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

@GuttaLikeNoOtha

My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man.

Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both

@KenJennings

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.

@ImmorallyFixate

Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!

@dadmann_walking

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

@joejwest

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

@TheCatWhisprer

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

@david8hughes

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”