Me high af: are you in line?


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Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”


My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man.

Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both


Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.


Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!


I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.


CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]


Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.


Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?


Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.


[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”