Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
You Might Also Like
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.