[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
“absolutely no reason at all”
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.
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It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart
Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!
Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!
Hub:…his dream, not mine
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Sometimes I get take out sushi and eat it at an aquarium just to remind the fish who’s boss.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.