@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: Hi
Kid:
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.

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@KeetPotato

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

@1MeLrO

It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart

@Book_Krazy

Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!

Me:…

Hub:…his dream, not mine

@MollyRingwraith

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

@Donna_McCoy

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

@KKAlThani

Sometimes I get take out sushi and eat it at an aquarium just to remind the fish who’s boss.

@TheWeirdWorld

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

@Playing_Dad

Me: Not to be racist but you look like you’re sick
Her: How was that racist?
Me: I said “not to be racist” you must be sicker than I thought

@tealbluejay

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.