“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
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[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
h: nice hotel?
h: pretend to be homeless
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Before I really understood sarcasm people would say things like “oh, well look who it is” and I’d be like “it’s me Karen, I’m your daughter”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run
Me on LinkedIn:
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.
It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.