me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

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[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!


“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”


“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer


Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!


The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”


Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?


When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.


My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target


My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in


I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.