@murrman5

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

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@JohnLyonTweets

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

@novicefather

[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES

@LuvPug

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

@RunOldMan

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

@PRESTONinCOLOR

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

@LuluLanternFish

Before I really understood sarcasm people would say things like “oh, well look who it is” and I’d be like “it’s me Karen, I’m your daughter”

@MNateShyamalan

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

@BackrowSeats

Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.

@mydanimarie

It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.