Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
What do you hear?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
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They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.