me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
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Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.