Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
This is my cat’s medicine.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”