I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
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just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular