@tweetsbyrocket

me: [hitting the space bar]

hot alien: hey

You Might Also Like

@MrGeorgeWallace

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

@Its_Miss_Riss

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

@fro_vo

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

@Pork_Chop_Hair

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

@Ristolable

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

@Darlainky

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

@R0ckG0d88

How long do you have to listen to a person tinkling the spoon against the side of the cereal bowl before the homicide becomes justifiable?

@LlamaInaTux

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

@Gupton68

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing