Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
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told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.