What’s a drug lord woman called?
A drug lady?
A heroin heroine?!
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
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“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Women are like, “no I’m not mad”
*sets your car on fire*
Nope not mad
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Not all Heroes wear capes.
But HR says I do have to wear pants, which is such bullshit..
My ex didn’t realize ‘cheat day’ only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak