ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
tis the season
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy