@ArfMeasures

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

You Might Also Like

@marcia_bee

What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!

@lovemyboots111

Women are like, “no I’m not mad”

*sets your car on fire*

Nope not mad

@trevso_electric

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

@Bob_Janke

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

@joejwest

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

@_Bad_Karma

Not all Heroes wear capes.

But HR says I do have to wear pants, which is such bullshit..

@holymolynicole

My ex didn’t realize ‘cheat day’ only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.

@JohnLyonTweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

@markleggett

HOBBIES INCLUDE:
– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak