ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

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What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!


Women are like, “no I’m not mad”

*sets your car on fire*

Nope not mad


Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.


Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator



MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool


Not all Heroes wear capes.

But HR says I do have to wear pants, which is such bullshit..


My ex didn’t realize ‘cheat day’ only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.


Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.


– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak