Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.