@tweetsbyrocket
@ThisOneSayz
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
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@ThisOneSayz
@david8hughes
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
@NutttyV
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
@not_delicate
Stick a fork in me so you know just how done we are
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
@Sal_Stevens
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
@AndyRichter
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
@Ruth_A_Buzzi
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
@rocketreturn
genie: i shall grant you three wishes
me: i wish for a world without lawyers
genie: done, you have no more wishes
me: but you said three
genie: sue me