me: hold me while i sleep

anaesthesiologist: no

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Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.


New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.


I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.


That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.


Best part about marriage?


Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.


This hammock is the most relaxing thing I’ve ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.


i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.


Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.


*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*