@tweetsbyrocket

me: hold me while i sleep

anaesthesiologist: no

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@FredTaming

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

@HomeProbably

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

@revraum

Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks

@shkeeber

Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Making carrets!

Mom: Carrots?

Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*

Cat: *yowls*

@thatdutchperson

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

@gerryhallcomedy

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not