@tweetsbyrocket

me: hold me while i sleep

anaesthesiologist: no

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@Qu4rtKn33

Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.

@Cheeseboy22

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

@JJSummertime

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

@gellaray

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

@AmishPornStar1

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

@AdamUrbane

This hammock is the most relaxing thing I’ve ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.

@Kauaibride

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

@TheAlexNevil

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

@Playing_Dad

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*