[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.