@tweetsbyrocket

me: hold me while i sleep

anaesthesiologist: no

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@ThisOneSayz

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

@david8hughes

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

@NutttyV

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

@Sal_Stevens

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

@AndyRichter

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

@rocketreturn

genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers

genie: done, you have no more wishes

me: but you said three

genie: sue me