Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?