Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
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Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
A man of commitment.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.