ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*