ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*