Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

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My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭


Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy


Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…


Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket


He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*


I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.


[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”


Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.


Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s


There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.