Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

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*robbers burst into bank*
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?


*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*


[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings


Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!


*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.


no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden


I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.


Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.


I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.


Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies