@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

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@BuckyIsotope

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@iwearaonesie

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

@haleysfalling

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

@chellemybell22

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

@VictorscarletJ

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

@wolfpupy

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

@sliver_of

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

@Izianikapani

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

@jaelco26

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

@OfficeofSteve

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies