Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Art by Pastelkatto
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.