Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

You Might Also Like




“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash


Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”


I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.


The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.


Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.


My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.


As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.


Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.


Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome