Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
You Might Also Like
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house