@Chhapiness

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

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@Darlainky

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

@UnFitz

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

@envydatropic

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

@RubenWriter

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

@sixfootcandy

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

@dumbbeezie

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

@timdonakowski

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

@AbbieEvansXO

Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome