Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.