Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

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Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird


I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*


Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.


“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive


“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets


Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said “I Love My Grand-dog” and I think l’m going to be ok.


*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.


The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.