A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
You Might Also Like
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen