ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
*puts my mental health in rice
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT