ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
You Might Also Like
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.