ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.