ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
how long have you had this for?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy