If you watch The Blindside backwards, Sandra Bullock becomes so disappointed in her black son that she abandons him on the side of the road.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
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Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.
I love them whole heartedly. I love it when they play with me, and I eat their table scraps. I am essentially my kids dog.