ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

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This joke format is stupid. Nobody can wink forever.

*winks for an extended but realistic period of time


If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.


I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.


Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels


Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.


Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.


Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.