ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

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If you watch The Blindside backwards, Sandra Bullock becomes so disappointed in her black son that she abandons him on the side of the road.


Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.


Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.


I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.


ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me


3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.


Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.


I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.


I love them whole heartedly. I love it when they play with me, and I eat their table scraps. I am essentially my kids dog.