@ClichedOut

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

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@InsouciantMan

This joke format is stupid. Nobody can wink forever.

*winks for an extended but realistic period of time

@PyrBliss

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

@TwinSurvivalist

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

@pharmasean

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

@Jandalize

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

@Parkerlawyer

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

@Vodkantots

Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.