I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
This is always good for a laugh.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.