@IndecisiveJones

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

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@lazerdoov

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

@FO_ASchatz

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

@daddydoubts

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

@Tups13

Her: You know what turns me on? Adventurers who survive adversity.
Me: Once I got lost inside my duvet cover and thought I was going to die.

@mommajessiec

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

@T_Bonezzz_

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

@knot_eye

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

@glazerboohoohoo

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

@ArfMeasures

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?