Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
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I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
Me: what do you want with it?
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
Her: You know what turns me on? Adventurers who survive adversity.
Me: Once I got lost inside my duvet cover and thought I was going to die.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first
Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
*uses ipad as a phone* Hey look at me i’m a hobbit