me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
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I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.