@TweetPotato314

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

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@robfee

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

@DevilryFun

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

@AmishPornStar1

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

@SondraDeeMe

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

@mexinonblonde

WOW!
You do a dazzling imitation of a blithering idiot!
Oh…
You’re being serious, about your love for your TC?
Oh dear, this is awkward.

@jillyhendrix

Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.

@DrakeGatsby

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

@Jamdug

Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”

@Ndeshi_M

*goes to fabric store*
Do you guys have boyfriend material?