me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.


I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.


Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.


ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.


You do a dazzling imitation of a blithering idiot!
You’re being serious, about your love for your TC?
Oh dear, this is awkward.


Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.



My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.


Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”


*goes to fabric store*
Do you guys have boyfriend material?