me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The funk soul brother
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Safety first
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner