me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
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If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…