@kissmeimkinky
Word of the day: exhaustipated. Too tired to give a shit.
@truegritrumble
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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@kissmeimkinky
@Home_Halfway
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
@Inferno_V
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
@Home_Halfway
INTERN 1: 6 in the Oval Office
INTERN 2: 4 in the Roosevelt Room
INTERN 3: 1 in the Lincoln Bedroom
BIDEN: Okay, let’s go catch some Pokemon
@Book_Krazy
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
@NewDadNotes
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
@GrantTanaka
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
@Squirreljustice
I’m wearing a burqa, fencing mask, & a welding helmet while reading a book on cannibalism & an old lady on the bus still wants to chat.
@EndhooS
Deer: I have a proposal for you
Rabbit: I’m all ears
Deer: HAHA I get it, cuz of the whole big ears thing
Rabbit: That’s pretty hurtful Jeff
@PinkCamoTO
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.