ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Ovenable?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans