Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?