Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?


Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”


Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.


Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.


I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.


murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.


Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.