Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh