Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
You Might Also Like
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
#SCOTUS one-star review
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game