Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.


Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Sad 😐
Happy 😐
Scared 😐
Excited 😐
Surprised 😐
Giving birth ;|


i hate the outside
*invents houses*
i kinda miss it now
*invents windows*


[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?


I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.


Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day


I’m gonna start using my cat’s ages like y’all do your kids.

5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.


22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!


I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.