@PhilJamesson

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

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@mjkspeaks

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

@robfee

Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Sad 😐
Happy 😐
Scared 😐
Excited 😐
Surprised 😐
Giving birth ;|

@themiltron

i hate the outside
*invents houses*
i kinda miss it now
*invents windows*

@UnFitz

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

@WittySassBasket

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

@LeBearGirdle

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

@theekillerqueen

I’m gonna start using my cat’s ages like y’all do your kids.

5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.

@meganamram

22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!

@cmd8495

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.