Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
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Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.