ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Boy never ceases to amaze me
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you